On November 6th, 2020 my dad and I packed up the car and moved me out to Spokane, Wa. Those who were around me most between the month of November 2020-March 2021 can tell you that I was not a very pleasant person to be around. Lets face it I didn't even like being around me very much. I was filled with so many negative emotions: fear, stress, overwhelmed, alone, confusion, and frustration. While I was surrounded by family; I felt like many of them didn't really know me. Almost everyone who I felt knew me best, I had left behind in California. I can't even tell you how many nights I woke up in the middle of the night crying out because of how alone and scared I was. My fight/flight response was active most of the time.
I moved to Spokane to start a job as a Job coach which helps people with disabilities find and then keep jobs. One aspect of my job was that productivity was tracked regularly and the expectation of maintaining at least a 80% productivity rate was enforced. For the first several months, I could not understand why my supervisor was not happy with my productivity. From what I understood, I was doing everything correctly( visiting my clients, attending required meetings,ect). I became frustrated because I kept getting emails from my supervisor about my productivity score and asking how she could help. Of course I recognized it was a problem but I had absolutely no idea in what way to ask for help.
In March, I finally closed on my condo. I was happy to have my own space. For a while, I thought I had my emotional nightmare under control. In May, after receiving my first client requiring full shift assistance, my boss asked to meet with me. She brought to my attention of number of complaints/concerns that were brought forward by the clients caregiver/parent. The main compliant was about my ability to communicate or lack thereof. The caregiver and parent didn't feel like like they received the full answer whenever they would ask a question They also asked my boss whether I liked my job. I wasn't too surprised about the complaint regarding my ability to provide a full answer as that has been a habit of mine since childhood. However, I was somewhat surprised about the second question. That meeting caused me to do some serious self evaluation about where these issues were coming from. I realized that I was still holding on the fear that I thought I had let of a few months ago regarding, leaving home and being on my own for the first time(minus time spent in college). I shared with my parents and my friend Pj the conversation that I had with my supervisor and the complaints/concerns that had been brought to my attention. I also shared with them the self evaluation that I did as a result. Both Pj and my parents advised me that I needed to share that information with my boss. I did just that. My boss was understanding and by sharing my feelings with her it broke the ice allowing me to feel more comfortable with sharing things in the future.The self evaluation I did also helped me realize that I had no reason to be afraid anymore that I was safe and that there really wasn't anything to be afraid of.
Since then I have learned some new skills and had a few experiences that I wouldn't have expected. I joined a new church in town, learned how to knit on a loom, was elected to be the treasurer of the HOA board of the condominium that I live in, and many other fun experiences. Even though I spent every summer in Spokane growing up, I am getting to know my family better and I know they are getting to know me better too both the good and the bad. I see my brother ,Nathan, sister in law ,Chrissy, and niece,Sophie, almost every Sunday at church. If it weren't for my family and their patience and support I honestly don' t know where I would be.
